Year 4, Day 358

Morning. So today's song is Ugly Heart by G.R.L.

So it's Valentine's Day. The day before my birthday. My depression has flared up with its impending status and caused me to go back to being a cave dweller of sorts trying to ignore my ever excited family members. Not such luck though. If I go a certain number of days without answering my sister's attempts at communicating (which happened since my phone has been on silent since Saturday) eventually she gets annoyed enough and comes to me. So she has bombarded the house and given me shit about this big plan she had to pamper me for my birthday (she works tomorrow) and then given me my gifts. Which are all things that would seem rude to give to someone under normal circumstances but considering the heart to hearts her and I have had they were on point. She also complained that I wouldn't let her buy me clothes but this is where my OCD comes out in that I'm picky about everything I buy to the point where I'm impossible to shop for ever. I appreciate her effort at trying to better me though. Now that she's gotten inside I'm giving up on my hermit life for now and am going to go with her to at least hang out for my birthday at her place if nothing else. Wish me luck.

Peace.

Year 4, Day 357

Hello. Today's song is Haterz by Todrick Hall.

I've always loved Todrick, but this song is so beyond incredible I can't even tell you. It's uplifting, it's empowering... and just the right amount of petty for me to always enjoy it. There's a caveat though. I can't listen to this song without thinking of my father. If you didn't know I had daddy issues before this moment the fact that I associate this song with him says a lot about our relationship thus far. I always think about doing a video singing to this and sending it to him, and I totally would if I didn't think he'd come after me. Singing along is enough though to expel all my feelings. It's good for your health to get out your feelings regardless of if the person hears them - they don't matter. It's about you as a person letting go. This song lets out the anger, and once you're past that and ready to forgive (I don't know if I'll ever get there) SoulPancake is ready to help on that front. So I hope you guys can use these things as vices just like I have for someone you're beefing with.

Peace.

Year 4, Day 356

Hiya. So today's song is Victorious by Panic! At The Disco.

I finally watched Rogue One and it's safe to say my life has been ruined by Diego. He's too god damn great in this. Alright so you guys know I never got into Star Wars until last year. I thought all the movie were pretty good, and the franchise is boss at casting hot guys, but I have never really been able to relate to any of them the way other fans do. Until this one. I know I'd like it because Felicity is an amazing actress (I've seen her in other stuff) and I've loved Alan since I saw A Knight's Tale, plus when the gifs started going on tumblr I knew I would fall for Diego. I thought I had prepared myself but I couldn't have. I related so hard to all these people and watched them make googly eyes at each other all the while knowing how it would end but the ending still crushed my heart beyond words. This is going to be the only movie following their story and I can't help but feel a little cheated since we get three for all the other characters. All I want is for there to be some big plot twist and what supposedly happened didn't happen. Please let the force work like that!

Peace.

Year 4, Day 355

Hello. Today's song is Hangover by Taio Cruz featuring Flo Rida.

Recently I got back into playing with the Infinite Jukebox because I will forever be searching for a song the loops well enough for me to listen to. I bring it up because I tried this one and it has worked out the best of any I've tried so far. I think it's because it's a club-like mix so there are a lot of repetitive pieces to work with. Sammy was over so we just sat on the bed while it looped for six minutes and it was actually pretty good. So if you're curious here is a link to the Infinite Jukebox and you can try this song out. Also if you find another one that loops well send it my way.

Peace.

Year 4, Day 354

Hey. Today's song is Believer by Paper Lions.

I haven't broken down and cried yet. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I'm ready for it when it comes. I wanted to tell you guys the story about the last time I got emotional after a funeral because it makes me equal parts sad and happy. Oddly enough it was after my other great grandma's funeral. That week I was supposed to go up to choir camp, but I talked to my teacher and was going to get dropped off there after I went to the funeral because I wanted to do both. So I went to the funeral and sat nicely while everyone around me cried, then we went to the graveyard for the burial and I was asked to help carry the casket because one of the granddaughters had to leave after the ceremony. I did it without incident (I tripped in a gopher hole, but didn't drop the casket thankfully). We headed out and my mom dropped me off at camp. I still hadn't cried at this point. So I come trotting into the hall everyone was in slipping half on the snow and half because of my heels and got mobbed by my friends. I'm sure they were expecting a blubbering mess, but I was way too excited to be at my first choir camp. We got through the whole day with me being fine, but when we finally got to lights out all my friends were grouped together on bunk bed style cots on one side of this huge cabin (huge as in 40 girls in one cabin). The only empty spots were on the other side of the room where I would be all alone. My brain went hell no to this so I grabbed the mattress of one of the beds and plunked it on the floor in between all my friends beds. A couple others girl decided this was a brilliant idea and plunked another mattress down so three of us could squish on the floor. In hindsight I think the only reason the chaperones left us be was because of my "situation" which I'm thankful for. Anyway in the middle of the night, in pitch black and silence, and smushed dead center in between six of my friends I started bawling my eyes out. I woke the others up, but they seemed to understand that I didn't need consoling, it was enough to have them all there for me. The next morning we went off as if nothing had happened and I was unfazed the rest of the trip, but that moment will stay vivid in my head forever. I can't even explain to you how beautiful/emotional/surreal that moment was for me. I can't even find the right word to equate to it. It's not a story I tell a lot because to others it's kind of a downer, but... it's one of my favorite high school memories. I had never (and haven't since) felt so... protected in my life. That is how grief should be. It should be something that lets you expel all the sorrow you're feeling without feeling alone. I can only hope that if grief should strike your lives you can find the same peace for yourself as I had in this one moment.

Peace.

Year 4, Day 353

Hi. Today's song is You'll Be Okay by A Great Big World.

A picture of my great grandparents

Today was supposed to be a different song, but I'm making a switch. I'm also writing this post in advance because as this is being uploaded I'll be standing in black at my great grandma's funeral. We decided to go (even though Sammy is most likely already losing it). This song just happened to play on my ipod the day I heard that she died and it stopped me in my tracks. It perfectly sums up all the emotions I've got going on for me and my family so I needed to put it up today. My great grandma was an amazing person. She was just the right mix of crazy and petty to fit into our family. When I think of her the first things that come to mind are angel food cake which she always had in her house when we visited, lego blocks that she kept stashed to play with even though they were thought of as boy toys, and security camera footage because she always had the door feed playing on her TV while we played with the lego. I also remember all the crazy gnome and fairy statues she had everywhere and this huge grandfather clock in literally the center of her apartment that went off every hour. These things I'll always associate with her and even though it doesn't sound like much it's actually a beautiful legacy that she left.

Peace.

Year 4, Day 352

Hi. Today I give you Knock 'Em Out by Lily Allen.

This song is hilarious to me. I mean I think all girls who are old enough to enter a bar have had this situation happen to them. When you get hit on by someone and you're looking for the easiest escape that will guarantee they wont come after you in a dark alley later on your way home. My go-to thanks to my tendency to freak out is to answer their opening question curtly then walk away fast. (Example: "how's it going?" "Fine." Run away.) Thanks to this song though I'm now prepared to tell people I'm pregnant, a lesbian, or have an STD. And honestly I'd rather admit to a having a sexually transmitted disease (even though I'm a virgin?) than have to deal with some creepy dude. Who's with me?

Peace.