Year 7, Day 165

Morning. Today's song is In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt.

Photo from: The Tony Awards YouTube

Okay, so the stuff with my family. You guys know that I struggled last year to put this list out because my grandpa was in the hospital for six weeks, and that a couple months ago he was diagnosed with Dementia. Well, it was Dementia. He had a CT Scan and it came back with a tumor, a cancerous one that was spreading rapidly throughout his entire brain. The doctor likened it to spaghetti. So rather than deal with the cancer, they elected to take my grandpa off dialysis and was given two weeks to live. He lasted four days. I had some days saved up, so at the point that you're reading this it will have been about two weeks. We couldn't do a funeral, or well, elected not to pick and choose between all the family members who would get to come to a health order restricted funeral, and so didn't have one. But even without that planning it's been hard. My grandma couldn't handle telling everyone, so it was me over a video call with my family who told them that he was going to die. I luckily wasn't there when it happened, but it was only about an hour after I left the hospice. I don't really know what to say still. I can't think about it. I have dealt with death a lot, my uncle, my second cousin, three great grandparents, and my father; but this one hits the worst. I'd been living with my grandparents to take care of him so now it's just my grandma and me, and I'm struggling with how to help her since the last couple years her entire life has been him and his schedule. We're both kind of floating in the void right now, and just trying to get some purchase to pull ourselves up again. But I needed to vent, and you guys deserve an explanation for why the rest of the year for this might suck, or might disappear altogether. I don't know yet, I guess we'll see. Anyway this is a song I found awhile ago, one I've always associated with my grandpa. I hope you enjoy it. And if you want more, want to delve into my sad, we made a playlist of songs my grandpa liked or ones my family associated with him here.

Peace.